when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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