After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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