I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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