You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize