He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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