i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
its liver damage thursday
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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