I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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