i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
