I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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