I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
