Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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