just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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