Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
