Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
