we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize