i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
