Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
