Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize