My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
