he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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