Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
