I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
