Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
