I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
