I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
