I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
