Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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