dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize