Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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