Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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