I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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