I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
