On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize