During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
