omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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