What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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