Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
