my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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