Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Randomize
