I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
