woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
