my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
