Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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