i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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