ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize