I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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