That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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