new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
God, I missed his penis.
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