he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
