I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
