Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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