after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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