You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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