the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
