We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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