Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
