so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
