T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
