don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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