We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
