at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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