So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
