So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
