ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
