If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
