FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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