It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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