tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
